So, you’re probably aware (or if you’re not aware, you still might have guessed) that I’m deep in the process of making my 2nd feature film.
And for some reason, it’s taking just a bit more effort this time around to put in the time on this project than it took on the first feature. And I’m interested in dissecting the potential reasons behind that a little further.
To be clear, I’m not like, sitting on my hands, wallowing in writer’s block (or whatever they call a filmmaker version of it). I had been working on an idea/script since 2021, and was feeling ready to shoot it by early 2026. And we shot it. And now I’m editing it. Things are moving along, and the project is definitely going to get done. I am not worried that I’m going to lose interest in it before I finish it or anything like that. In fact, I was mainly feeling the need to write this blog post while I was in the earliest stages of editing, but had an interesting “breakthrough” and suddenly got back into the swing of things and stopped thinking so much about writing this.
BUT, a friend (let’s call him MuffinMan) at one point asked me “When is your next blog post?” and that made me realize that I have an audience of greater than (or equal to) one, and so now I have an obligation to write this post.
So, let’s start here: I had the idea for this 2nd film before we even shot Sorry, We’re Dead. But I had to stop myself from thinking about it too hard because I liked it a lot and it was instantly apparent that it would take over my brain and replace SWD as the project I was most excited about, which was dangerous because I was about a month away from shooting SWD at the time: a bad time to lose interest in the project! I was at least 7 years into trying to make SWD at that point and that was already the longest I had ever pursued a single project so exclusively, so I’m honestly impressed that I held my interest as long as I did! My mind is always most excited by what the NEXT project is going to be, after the one I’m currently working on.
By the time I was ready to film the new film, currently titled Greater Than One (which I’ll refer to as GTO from here on out), I was again about 5 years into thinking about it and working on it in some capacity. Jeez! How did that happen? 5 years already?!
In terms of writing it, it took a few more writing sessions than SWD to write a first complete feature draft of GTO. It took maybe 6 days to write SWD’s first feature draft (I got 30 pages done on the first day! I was just having so much fun writing it that I would write for hours without stopping), while GTO took 9 writing sessions (with each one being almost exactly 10 pages before I felt too drained to keep going for the day). It was a little weird that writing GTO was leaving me feeling more drained than writing SWD, but I didn’t think too much more about it. (Sidenote, I did actually write a script in between these scripts, which I’ll call LCO, and it was harder to write than SWD but still felt easier to write than GTO).
That was the first little reg flag, but I didn’t really pay it much mind. Next up, we set some shoot dates and get ready to shoot the film. But for some reason, I keep getting calls for work (I’m a freelancer, so works calls and books me whenever it needs me; it’s not that I have a set schedule and work M-F or something like that) in the two months before our shoot, and I feel obligated to take all of it because they were all good paychecks and I was about to be spending a lot of money so I kinda wanted every dollar I can get.
BUT, I ended up booking work pretty much nonstop right up until a day before our main GTO shoot begins. I squeezed in a few hours here and there to put together a shoot schedule and plan things and communicate with our key cast and crew, but by the time I made it to <24hrs until the shoot, I was kicking myself. I was feeling super underprepared. I hadn’t read and reread the script several times, looked over my schedule again, tried to check in with the crew and cast more often about new ideas or things I hadn’t yet communicated, made notes to myself about things to focus on and pay the most attention to on set…. How had I not prepped so much harder than this?! I had been so much more ready for the SWD shoot! I’m about to go into making another feature film and spending thousands of dollars without eating, sleeping, and breathing the film for weeks prior to the shoot? What am I doing?!
First off, I made note and told myself that I am required to take at least a week off prior to shooting my next feature. I can’t do this again. I also told others around me this new 1 week rule, including MuffinMan, so that I’m more likely to hold myself accountable.
Second, when I had some time AFTER the shoot, I questioned myself a bit. Why did I let this happen? Did I really need the work, or was I somehow avoiding thinking about the movie? Spoiler alert, I still don’t really know, but that’s what this bit of therapy-blogging is all about.
Let’s jump to the third phase: editing. Right as we had finished shooting SWD, I was SO excited to go edit it that I jumped in right away, and had a complete cut of the film within like 1-2 months. (I mean it was terrible, but I had at least made something that vaguely resembled a feature length film so I was stoked).
But when I finished shooting GTO, I did not immediately get to editing. I mean, for one, I booked a whole bunch more work immediately, and was grateful to make some more money to fill in the void left behind by making another feature. But also, I told myself that it would be good to not look at the footage for a little bit and instead catch my breath, let myself come back to it fresher. Which isn’t a bad idea really. Actually, it’s kinda recommended by many filmmakers that you do this. BUT… why wasn’t I stoked to get to editing? Was I actually was trying to avoid editing for some reason but telling myself I just needed a break?
After a month (and another week or two), I forced myself to get to editing. Because I don’t really allow myself to work on other projects until I finish the previous one, it meant that I HAVE to work on the edit if I ever want to go work on other projects (and, OF COURSE another new feature film idea was starting to bounce around in my head already). (Another sidenote, I think I mentioned this in an old blog post, but as a recap, as a kid I discovered that it’s really easy to start endless projects, but kinda hard to finish any of them. And I really really dislike leaving projects unfinished. So it has resulted in this present day strategy where I’m really only allowed to work on one project at a time. /sidenote)
And man, it was a SLOG (not s-Log3, haha..) to edit, at least in the beginning. Now, I remember this from every other project I’ve ever done, but wow, that first pass sucks to do. That’s when you first see all of your mistakes, when you have the fewest ideas about how to fix them or just how problematic or not those mistakes might be, and just in general, that’s the worst version of your film that you are probably ever going to see.
So that first pass is just feeling terrible and stilted and full of mistakes, and the main thought on my mind is: “I have no idea what I’m doing as a filmmaker! Who ever let me think otherwise?”
BUT, after a few weeks of that, I reached a scene at maybe 2/3rds into the film that…. was good, actually? The shots were good, the acting and emotion of the scene were exactly what I wanted, there were no big mistakes, there was almost nothing I could do to make the scene NOT work. And suddenly, the scene after that one was actually not bad too. And then the next one after that, too. And finally, I was “feeling it”, and I was excited to go back to the edit each day after that.
So, suddenly, a first complete pass is done! I watch it back, and FINALLY, I have the same experience as I did watching the first draft of SWD: there is something here. It’s ugly and awkward and broken in a few places and some of the band-aids are super visible or basically falling off, but already some pieces of beauty or promise are showing through. This might be an alright movie by the end!!
So what happened? Did I just have to get over myself? Did the movie just suck until scene 78 and then was finally good after that? Did I just have to force myself to work on it long enough until it finally clicked? (Sidenote, this is a personal strategy of mine: if you have a lot of time or have set aside time to work on your project, but you’re not really feeling it or want to go do something else instead… just try to put in a little bit of time on your project anyway. If you’re lucky, you get into it and end up getting a lot done! OR, if you’re unlucky, then you only get a little bit done. BUT, even when you only get a little done, often you’ve started to get some creative juices flowing and end up thinking more about the project as you go to bed or wake up the next day, and almost inevitably, you are more likely to feel ready to do some more writing or editing the next day. Sometimes it takes more than a day to force through a block like this, but even tiny amounts of progress in the meantime still usually make me feel better than making NO progress.)
And why did I struggle with so many other stages of making this film?! Was that same “issue” what was bothering me in the first half of the edit? Why did it change halfway through?
To be certain, I don’t really know, but I have some thoughts. Partially, it was me just worried about making a bad movie and my imposter syndrome kicking in, where I’m always assuming that at any moment, the whole world will finally figure out that I have no idea what I’m doing.
But, I think there’s another thing at play, and it’s something that I learned once before about myself back in college. So, quick tangent: at the start of film school, I made lots of absurdist, weird, and over the top comedy type of work. Then, for reasons that maybe are worth a future blog post, I ended up switching to try and make more “serious films” that tried to tell more grounded stories that were aiming for some simulacrum of “realism”. The first film I tried to make under these new self-imposed guidelines, titled “The Director”, I tried to make completely drama driven, with NO jokes (almost unheard-of for an Alex).
BUT, it wasn’t super fun to make? I was kinda struggling, until a few comedic moments accidentally found their way into film, both due to mistakes or unintended things. Then I realized these moments were a lot of fun, and ended up really getting me into making the film.
I’ll keep it short, but basically this was a constant tension with my film work throughout college. Now, I actually think it was useful to learn how to improve my skills with more than just comedy, so I’m not upset about it. But until the very end of senior year, I was always trying to focus more on drama and less on comedy, or at least trying to go somewhere right in the middle. And it was almost always the comedic elements of the films I was making that I was having the most fun with and that were engaging me most.
So, OF COURSE I was having that feeling once again here, with a feature that leans far more toward drama and much less toward comedy! I have already learned this lesson before. I shouldn’t be surprised to see it again here.
But, another interesting thing I noticed is that, in the scene where things finally “turned around” for me and I got properly engaged again, this isn’t only a particularly well shot and performed scene, but also happens to be an important turning point in the film where the two main characters finally cross a particular hurdle in their relationship where they begin to understand and relate to each other much more closely. Until that point, they are often at odds or experiencing some friction in their interactions. When I began editing, I didn’t look forward to editing the scenes with lots of friction between them, but the moment that they opened up to each other and I had lots of scenes to edit where they were much more connected, I was excited to go back in and keep working.
I’m not a very confrontational person in real life, and don’t enjoy arguments or “bad vibes”… and I’m starting to wonder if these “bad vibes”, even when fictional and written by me, are also affecting me and making me struggle a bit? What the heck? But I really feel that there is something to this. It was a weight off my shoulders when the characters finally connected and started getting to know each other better, and I instantly started connecting to the film much more closely and being excited to work on it.
I want to take a quick moment to mention that in the very early stages of editing, when I was really struggling to “get into” it, there was something that helped. I met with my sound designer early on to discuss ideas for future sound design and score, and he was really excited about the script and had lots of questions and early ideas. And that was energizing! I ended our meeting excited to get back to work so that I could share a cut of the film with him that we could use to get into more sound discussions with.
Then I got back to the edit and remembered that it was kind of a slog… but some of that excitement of “Ooh, there’s some awesome potential for sound design and score here, I just need to get a cut together” still helped push me through the rough patch early on.
I think that’s most of the points I wanted to make. For some reason, I was having a lot of trouble getting as into my 2nd film and feeling the same level of excitement. Some of this is probably that you only make your first feature once, so there is just a little less of “Oh my god can I make a movie” euphoria in my system. But also, while I was having trouble putting as much time in, I also want to point out that the first film was being made during the tail end of the pandemic, and I had more free time in many ways. Certainly more free time to write and prepare, but also still the work was maybe not fully back as I got into the edit, so I just had a bit more free time in general. That part of the equation can’t be ignored!
Besides that, I think another part of the problem was some of my imposter syndrome kicking in, with fear that I won’t be able to replicate the successes of my first film and that I’m just going to fail this time around. But also important to note is that the new film is less about comedy, which is then a thing that has always caused me to struggle a bit more with engaging with my work and creative process, and also there’s this weird thing where I’ve discovered that I might struggle creatively when my characters are experiencing negative emotions. Strange.
So these things are all at least partially to blame for my hesitance and struggle with various parts of making this film. But I’m mostly feeling good at this point, and I’m excited to keep working on the movie, so I think we’re going to be alright folks! I might just live to keep making films another day.